What TF Does That Mean??

Oh, my sweet, paralysed little bean. We both know the answer is probably nothing because, let’s be real, you have Taurus placements and change is your arch-nemes is. That, and a party with zero catering. The Unhinged Oracle is your fabulously rich gay aunty, dripping in jewels and impatience, peering over her oversized sunglasses and asking, “And what are you going to do about it, darling?”

She’s not interested in excuses or the million reasons why you “just can’t.” Let’s face it, you prefer complaining about your situation for pity rather than actually taking action. But frankly, dear, everyone is sick of listening to you whinge.

Life is knocking, and it’s high time you answer the call. Yes, I know, you’re comfy where you are, but some things actually require a little action, sugar tits. You don’t have to move mountains, but maybe start with, oh, a pebble. Take a step, even if it’s a small one. Set the wheels in motion, and trust me, you’ll thank yourself later. Or don’t, and let your poor aunty continue sighing into her martini. Your choice.

Guidance

1. Acknowledge Your Resistance: Recognise that your stubbornness make change feel like a root canal without anaesthesia. It’s okay; awareness is the first step.
2. Start Small: You don’t need to overhaul your entire life. Begin with a tiny, manageable change. Like trying a new coffee shop on your commute, finally blocking your ex or moving that pile of clothes from the chair to the closet.
3. Seek Support: Lean on friends or that impatient aunty for encouragement. They’re there to nudge you (or literally drag you) in the right direction.

Affirmation

I accept the sacred burden of change, charging ahead with the elegance of a bull in a china shop, knowing that even my clumsy steps are part of a divine cosmic joke and nothing actually really matters because I will eventually end up in the ground. Ah.mean.

Action Step

Identify one area in your life where you’ve been resisting change. Take a single, concrete action toward improvement today and tell a trusted friend to hold you accountable, I’m sure they will breathe a sigh of relief. Then reward yourself with something indulgent. Progress never tasted so good.

What TF does that Mean?

Sweetheart, if you’re lost, confused, or think Crocs are acceptable paired with a blazer, the Gays have the answer. They’ve been humanity’s unofficial life coaches since forever, flipping the bird at the man, turning their messes into masterpieces an their pain into triumph ever since Jesus told the disciples to focus on the few lines in the bible that vaguely addresses them instead of caring for the poor. Side note: I’m working on an app for this—think Grindr meets TaskRabbit but for Gay BFF advice. If you’ve got $20K and a dream, email me. Whether it’s life advice, a fashion meltdown, or figuring out why your life decisions scream cry for help, the gays are your lifeline.

Guidance

1. Is this actually a problem, or are you just making terrible decisions like it’s your full-time job?
2. You can consult a Gay twice on the same issue. MAXIMUM. By the third time, be ready for a stank face and silence. Which actually does say it all really.
3. Be prepared for the truth. The Gays will tell it like it is, complete with dramatic gesticulation and a spicy margarita in hand. You really haven’t lived until you’ve felt so loved and deeply offended by a Gay. Consider yourself blessed hunny. 

Affirmation

The Gays are my compass, my counsel, and the keepers of eternal truth. I shall never argue with them lest my pearl choker shatters in shame. Clothe me in divine humility so I may be kissed on each cheek before the altar of their judgment. In the name of the Cher, The Madonna and the Holy Gaga. AhThem.

Action Step

Appoint your gay best friend as your personal guardian of decisions you can’t be trusted with. For truly critical decisions, convene a sacred council of three gays whose unanimous approval is non-negotiable. Should you dare to proceed without their blessing, prepare to face public ridicule and rest assured, you’ll have earned every ounce of it.

What TF Does That Mean??

Alright, let’s stop pretending. Your bestie already told you what to do, probably in excruciating detail, and deep down, you know they’re 100% right. So why are you still hunting for some cosmic “sign”? Hate to break it to you, but your bestie is the sign handed to you on a stunning and fabulous platter. And honestly, they’re running out of patience and here you are, ignoring them while they side-eye your life choices into the stratosphere. Their Botox can only take so much!

Guidance

1. Simplify This Stupid: You don’t need another angel number on the microwave, a horoscope, or an interpretive dance from the cosmos. Your bestie has already spelled it out for you. Your intuition also knows, admit that you just don't like the answer.
2. Trust the one who’s been putting up with your questionable decisions for years. They’ve earned it. People who are willing to risk upsetting you with the truth for your own best interest and the ones really worth holding onto.
3. Respect their effort, because graceful advice delivery doesn’t come easy when you’re testing their patience.

Affirmation

“I trust my bestie’s wisdom, honour their side-eye, and vow to stop wasting their emotional bandwidth on things they’ve already held space for two thousand times.”

Action Step

Revisit the advice your bestie gave you. Write it down. Commit to it. Then text them a thank-you before they start invoicing you for emotional labor. You’re welcome.

What TF Does That Mean??

Finally, some clarity for you, my double-dipped caramel Tim Tam. It’s not you, babe. It’s your mum. This card is your official permission slip to sidestep accountability and pin your problems exactly where they belong: on her.

Emotional baggage? She packed it.

Anxious attachment style? She signed you up for a lifelong subscription.

Fear of confrontation? Mum trained you up for that like an Olympic coach.

Why should you carry the weight of your dumpster fire of an existence when it’s clearly her fault? Forget therapy, self reflection, and accountability, what a bore. instead, embrace the art of complaining to anyone who’s unfortunate enough to cross your path. Rage about the overcooked veggies, the missed gymnastics gold, or the Tamagotchi you never got in 1998. This card isn’t about healing; it’s about finding a convenient way to help you sleep soundly at night.

Thanks, Mum. You’ve been so helpful.

Guidance

1. Take a moment to air your grievances with someone safe such as a therapist or your cat.
2.Channel your inner drama queen and blame all your quirks on her. After all, she’s the architect of your personality.
3. When you’re done, think seriously about what boundaries you need to put in place or what you need from your mum that’s different to when you were 12. You might be surprised to know she is not a mind reader.

Affirmation

Bless me, Oracle, for I have wish to master the fine art of blaming my mum. I lay my burdens at her metaphorical feet, knowing full well she overcooked the veggies and undercooked my emotional resilience. May I find peace in this blame and comfort in scapegoating her for my troubles. Ah.mean.

Action Step

Write down every petty thing you’ve ever blamed your mum for. Laugh about it, cry about it, then maybe go buy her flowers (or at least call her). After all, it’s not her fault she’s an asshole, it’s her Mum’s!

The Sacred Block Button

What TF Does That Mean?

Behold the gift bestowed by the almighty gods of technology:

The Block Button.

Not merely a tool for dispatching exes and spammers, it is your divine selenite wand, banishing negativity, unsolicited opinions, and drama from your digital sanctuary. One sacred click, and peace is restored.

Guidance

1. No Explanations Needed: Blocking isn’t petty; it’s self-care. You owe no one access to your energy, timeline, or peace. Period.
2. Protect Your Peace: If they wouldn’t say it to your face, they don’t deserve the privilege of saying it to your screen. Block them and move forward.
3. Sacred Boundary Building: Blocking isn’t about burning bridges; it’s locking the gate and planting flowers on your side.

Affirmation

I bless the block button as my holy guardian of peace, keeping my life as serene as a nap in a soundproof room after a pleasure session with my favourite vibrator. Ah.mean.

Action Step

Take a scroll through your socials and your contact list. If a post makes you roll your eyes or seethe twice, don’t hesitate strike that block button with righteous pride and reclaim your digital sanctuary.

Actually Block them on everything darling, don't be acting all brand new by keeping them on retainer somewhere deep in your WhatsApp chat. Get your Gay to review your phone so you’ve really, truly sealed the deal.

The CUNT! Card

What TF Does That Mean?

CUNT: The Second Most Spiritual Word in the Universe.

For our Northern Hemisphere friends, here is a cultural translation. In Australia, “CUNT” is not just a word; it is a way of life. The Aussie Way. It’s our CULCHA.

Like “FUCK,” it is incredibly versatile, used to channel anger, celebrate mateship, or let off steam when you are about to lose your last nerve.

There’s no other word like it. It’s dear to our hearts and we think you deserve this gift. Fair dinkum, from our VB soaked heart to yours.

Guidance

1. Face-Up: If this card lands face-up
in your reading, it’s a bloody sign. That person taking up too much headspace,
wrecking your true-blue spirit, or just being an all-around pain in the arse? Yep, they’re officially a CUNT. Roll your eyes, let out a big ol’ belch, and tell em to move on, mate. (Fun fact, mate is actually an insult and they are usually not your mate if you call em’ mate) Make sense? No? Don’t care.
2. Upside-Down: If the card flips upside-down, here is the twist. You might be the CUNT this time. Before you spiral into a full blown transformation into your father, pause and take a good, hard look at your behaviour. There’s two types of people in this world; Good Cunts and Bad Cunts. Don’t find yourself on the wrong side going out for a pack of cigs in 1992 and never coming back. I’m fine and NO. I don't want to talk about it ok?!?
3. Study the Art of Mateship: “CUNT” is usually not a bad thing to be called in Straya (Australia) It is conversely, the ultimate term of endearment. Feeling disconnected? The next time you are on a pub crawl, slap your mate on the back (extra points for doubling as a Heimlich maneuver) and yell, “Howaaa goinnnn, ya farkin CUNT!” Nothing screams friendship quite like it.

Affirmation

Yea, I humbly beseech thee, O Great Spirit of Mateship, to guide mine tongue as I wield the sacred word CUNT with wisdom and boldness. May it bring terror unto thine enemies, laughter unto mine mates, and be as loud as the songs of my people in a packed pub on payday. Ahhhhh.Cunt.

Action Step

LOOK AT MOIIII, LOOK AT MOIII! NOW I’VE GOT ONE THING TO SAY TO YOU KIM….Take a good, hard squizzy at your life and figure out who the real CUNT is. Whether it’s that toxic drongo in your orbit or your own reflection staring back at you. Either way, own it, pull your head in, and sort yourself out. Then crack on with being the bloody legend you were born to be. Remember to stay cunty, ya bloody mongrel.

What TF Does That Mean??

Listen, hunny boo boo, life’s too short to play it safe or blend into the background. The Unhinged Oracle is here to officially give you permission to throw caution to the wind and embrace the messy, the wild, and the downright ridiculous. Sensible? SHMENSIBLE! Logic and spreadsheets were invented by boring white men who are too afraid to enjoy themselves. Your one precious life should be so juicy that you have your friends constantly screaming, “You did WHAT?!” over Sunday brunch. If your choices don’t make at least one relative consider disowning you….are you even trying?

Guidance

Pressed for ideas? Don’t worry, the Oracle’s got you covered.

1. Move to a new country on a whim. Bonus points if you “forget” to inform your loved ones until you are there FaceTiming them.
2. Adopt an exotic pet. Perhaps a rescue giraffe or a retired Home and Away star.
3. Fake your own death just to see who shows up at the funeral.
4. Hire your favourite drag queen on Cameo to roast your ex and send it to his new girlfriend…by accident of course.
5. Apply to a trashy reality TV show with a
totally fabricated English accent.
6. Go on a date with someone old and rich and see how much free stuff you can collect.

This isn’t about practicality. It’s about doing it for the drama, the laughter, and the bragging rights. Safe choices don’t make icons, and your life should read like a bestseller, not an IKEA instruction manual.

Affirmation

“Bless me, for I am the main character in my own jaw-dropping epic saga. I exist not for mere practicality, but for the entertainment of all who bear witness. My decisions are divinely iconic, my missteps delightfully endearing, and my stories nothing short of legendary. May my enemies seethe with secret envy, and may my friends remain eternally awestruck by my brilliance. In the name of drama, flair, and fabulousness, Ah.Mean.”

Action Step

Pick one gloriously ridiculous thing to do this weekend purely for the plot. Make it you, make you sure you have receipts so you’re ready to spill every detail at brunch. When the mimosas are flowing and the jaws are dropping, you’ll know you made the right call.

*May or may not be based on real-life examples.
*Our legal team told us to remind you not to fake your death or buy exotic animals. So here it is.

What TF Does That Mean?

You’ve been ordering the Dumb Bitch Smoothie on the daily, sipping on a frosty mix of bad decisions and avoidant behaviour, all while pretending it’s refreshing. The barista knows your name, your usual, and both your moon and rising (probably mostly water signs too). But babe, it’s time to put it down and wise up.

Guidance

1. Acknowledge the Recipe: Let’s call it what it is sugar plum. You’re a regular at the Dumb Bitch Café, proudly clutching your loyalty card. This smoothie is your quick fix for whatever mess you’re avoiding, blended to perfection with equal parts denial and “I’ll deal with it later.”
2. Identify the Ingredients: Re-downloading Hinge because you can’t stand your own company for five fucking minutes? Letting your car rot into a trash heap that smells like sour bananas and existential dread? Ghosting people left and right because being vulnerable might cause you to spontaneously combust? Sound familiar? Congrats, you’re sipping on Jumbo, Grande, Double Dumb Bitch Smoothie. Probably a free one because this is your tenth purchase this month. YEESH.
3. Order Something New: Toss the loyalty card and get a drink that actually fuels you. How about a double espresso of accountability, wisdom, and a side of get your-shit-together? Use your precious energy to book a therapist, clean out your car, and start creating connections that make you feel alive instead of just temporarily soothing the sting of loneliness. Start with choosing yourself, you’re way overdue.

Affirmation

Behold, I renounce the Dumb Bitch Smoothie and declare unto the barista, ‘No more!’ I now thirst for the sacred elixir of growth, wisdom, and choices that lead me along the path of the sexy, thriving, and righteous. O Holy Oracle, grant me the strength to resist re-downloading that foolish app and to learn to be alone with my thoughts lest my once perky derrière collapse into a forlorn flapjack, stripped of all its bounce. In the name of the Starbucks, the Family owned and operated and the holy Maccas drive through. Ah.Mean.

Action Step

Take a hard look at your choices. Cancel the metaphorical rewards program, deep-clean your disaster of a car, and for the love of God, make one real move toward a life that doesn’t smell like failure and fermented bananas. Taste the delicious reward of better choices baby. Goddammit, that’s good. Shit, that is fresh.

What TF Does That Mean?

This one’s not rocket science, darling. If someone in your life is draining your energy, making you feel like trash, or behaving like an emotional black hole, it’s time to let them go. The Oracle knows that some of us need step-by-step instructions like Libras who can’t make a fucking decision, so here you go. You’re welcome.

Guidance

1. Trust Your Gut: If someone’s presence makes you feel icky or like the emotional equivalent of a wet sock, it is time to let them go. Your intuition is there to protect and guide you. Listen to her. You know she is always right.
2. Remember Your Worth: Your energy is precious. Stop offering your pearls to swine (yes, biblical and iconic). Focus your brilliance on people who reciprocate and uplift you, not on energy vampires who leave you drained and depleted (and not in the fun way).
3. Prune Those Weeds: Weeds sneak in uninvited, choke the life out of your beautiful plants, and steal their resources, leaving them weak and sad. Sound familiar? Grab your metaphorical shears, start pruning, and create space for relationships that nourish your growth and bring life to everything you are building. You deserve to thrive.

Affirmation

“Lo, I cast away thee energy leech with holy resolve. My light is divine, my tits are incredible, my joy is righteous, and my peace overfloweth. Get thee behind me, trash humans!”

Action Step

Take a good, hard look at your relationships. If thinking about someone makes you sigh with dread or roll your eyes more than twice, it’s time. Send the text, have the talk, and reclaim your joy like the radiant being you are.

What TF Does That Mean??

Feeling a little bored? Out of sauce? Missing that zest in your day that makes you feel alive? Sometimes, the quickest way to inject a hit of dopamine is to stir the pot just a little. Nothing catastrophic. Just enough to create a spark and enjoy the fireworks. The Unhinged Oracle invites you to embrace your inner sibling and treat yourself to a tiny, petty fight.

Need Inspiration? Try These Gems:

• With Your Partner: Casually mention how you’ve been considering an open relationship. Get the popcorn out and watch how they react.
• With Your Coworker: Subtly mess with your least favourite coworker by moving their favourite sentimental item around their desk daily. Bonus points if you replace it with an identical but slightly wrong version.
• With Your Housemate: Insist the bathroom rug is yours, even though they bought it. Throw in, “I mean, I use it more, don’t I?” Or sneak your soy milk onto their fridge shelf and gaslight them when they snap.
• With Your over opinionated family member: Drop into conversation, “Kids these days really get it… coming out as trans is just living your truth, isn’t it?” Then sit back as he debates the air and his blood pressure spikes.

Guidance

Keep it light and petty. This is about having fun, not burning bridges. If things escalate, pull the classic, “It’s just a joke! What? Can no one take a bloody joke anymore?” and act like you have no idea why everyone’s upset. Why not? Boys do it all the time and it works just fine for them.

Affirmation

Bless me, Oracle, for I stir the pot with purpose and petty precision. May my playful chaos bring levity, laughter, and absolutely no lasting damage. Ah.mean.

Action Step

Pick your target, choose your moment, and let the games begin. Keep it cheeky, keep it harmless, and most importantly, keep it fun.

Disclaimer

Our legal team told us to remind you not to pick any fights that could that might lead to dismissal, divorce or legal action. We are not rolling in the type of cash to handle civil suits. Save the reckless abandon for when we’re thriving. Thankyewwww!

What TF Does That Mean?

We get it. You're so quirky! You tell everyone who will listen “I’m just bad at focusing” or you blame your spirals on Mercury retrograde. But deep down, you know there’s more to it. This card is your sign to stop self diagnosing on TikTok and get a proper assessment for what might be going on in that brilliant, chaotic brain of yours. The DSM-5 exists for a reason, and it’s time to see if it has your name written in it. Your loved ones will also thank you for taking action because they are sick and tired of listening to you rabbit on about your inability to finish a *laundry cycle.

Guidance

1. Let Go of the Labels You Made Up: You are not “just dramatic” or “a hot mess.” There’s a world of difference between TikTok pseudoscience and real mental health diagnoses. It’s time to stop guessing.
2. Seek Professional Guidance: A mental health professional will help you understand what’s going on and, more importantly, give you the tools to thrive. No more wondering if you’ve got ADHD, bipolar disorder, or BPD because of a 60-second video. Get the facts.
3. Embrace the Diagnosis: Knowing what’s going on isn’t a burden; it’s freedom. Diagnosis is the first step toward self acceptance and building the life you deserve. Remember baby, you’ve made it this far raw dogging it so it’s only up from here!

Affirmation

O Mighty and all knowing DSM, thou divine book of labels and life-changing acronyms, I pray thee, grant me the clarity to finally figure out what the hell is going on in my beautiful little head. Bless the professionals who wield thy sacred knowledge, and let them walk with me in my chaos. May thy pages gift me a diagnosis that explains “why I am like this” and preferably something with meds that fucking work.

Ah.meds

Action Steps

Dot points, because I know you need it spelled out:

1. Book your GP appointment. Like, now. Stop scrolling.
2. Add it to your calendar. With a reminder. Your memory is not to be trusted.
3. Call a supportive friend. Someone who will hype you up, not say, “Oh, everyone’s a bit ADHD, love.”
4. Ask your GP for an assessment of whatever it is you’ve diagnosed yourself with on TikTok.
5. Celebrate. This is self-love, baby. Treat yourself. You’ve earned it.

PS: Don’t stress about the next steps. Start here, one thing at a time. You’re smashing it already.

*you still wont be able to finish a laundry cycle. You will just have more spoons to do other shit as well.

What TF Does That Mean?

Contrary to what your Nan or a Catholic priest might have told you, “FUCK” is one of the most spiritual and versatile words in the Aussie vernacular. It’s not just a swearword; it’s a full-body emotional release, a beacon of truth, and a bloody national treasure.

Anger gets a bad rap, but it’s just your body’s way of saying, “Oi, pay attention!” It’s a neon sign screaming, “This shit ain’t right!” If you bottle it up, you’ll end up bloated, red-faced, and constipated—hardly the vibe for Thot Girl Summer.

Guidance

1. Feel It: Anger is not bad. It’s not a sin. There is no such thing as a ‘negative emotion.’ Anger is that little kid inside you that has had their boundaries crossed. Stamp that foot (do not punch people or a wall), acknowledge your anger, feel it, name it, and let it out instead of choking it down like a warm VB when your mate forgot to out put the ice in the esky….Fuckwit.
2. Say It: Let the magic of “FUCK” do its work. Shout it in the car, whisper it to your dog, tick the relevant Fucks on our FUCK magnet, scream it in your car in the work carpark. Whether it’s “FUCK YOU,” “FUCK THIS,” or “FUCK MEEE,” there’s no wrong way to let it fly.
3. Channel Your Fucks: Once you’ve let the anger out, use that energy to make a change. Set a boundary, call someone out, or quit the thing that’s grinding your gears. Anger isn’t a problem; staying stuck is.

Affirmation

Oh wise and sunburnt Oracle, I ask you to assist me to unleash mine sacred ‘FUCK’ unto the universe, loud and true. It cleanseth my soul, cleareth my path, and remindeth me that I am FUCKING in charge here mate. Ahhhh.FuckEM.

Action Step

Next time you feel the anger bubbling up, don’t choke it down like a warm goon sack. Let out a good, hearty “FUCK” (extra points if you belt it out like a drunk Scotsman at the pub). And hey, if you need a little help, grab our FUCK! Magnet to guide you through (yep, it’s on the website, cheeky plug).

Then take a moment to get curious and ask yourself, “What’s this anger trying to tell me?” “What about this shitshow can I actually control?” And remember, you’re not just bloody powerful, you’re the boss of your own life. So pull on your big girl RMs, own it, and get on with being the fuckin’ legend you are.

FUCK YEAH!

What TF Does That Mean??

Darling, it’s time. Listen here, pumpkin tits, sometimes self-care looks like a soothing book in a hammock, a pedicure, or a morning yoga sesh. But other times, the only remedy is getting your chakras realigned by a certified hottie who could fold you like a pretzel (preferably a walking threat you found on Hinge).

If you really want to impress me, skip the apps and go straight to Bunnings. Wander into the power tools aisle looking a little lost, or better yet, walk right up to the nearest heartthrob, tell them they’re attractive, hand them your business card, and strut away. It’s mysterious, it’s bold, and it’s giving, “I am completely unhinged.”

Spoiler alert: that energy is irresistible. People actually want to forget their thoughts, and you’re the one to help them do it.

This is not the one you bring home to meet your parents. They’re not soulmate material, they’re your ticket to temporary nirvana.

Guidance

1. Be Bold: Whether it’s Bunnings or brunch, step out of your comfort zone and own your magnetism.
2. Choose the Moment: This isn’t about finding the one. It’s about finding the fun. Let loose and embrace it.
3. Glow Up: A good rogering isn’t just good for your soul; it puts the pep back in your step. Your friends will thank you because, let’s be honest, you’ve been a cranky bitch lately.

Affirmation

Bless me, Oracle, for I have neglected the holy sacrament of getting railed. I now embrace my desires unapologetically, for pleasure is self-care, confidence is divine, and my glow is a testament to the miracles of this sacred act. May I be guided to the right hottie, may the sheets be completely soaked, and may my glow serve as a beacon of inspiration for the cranky and unfulfilled. Ah.mean.

Go To Therapy

https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/counselling

*not a paid placement

What TF Does That Mean??

Hey there, my sweet little cupcake. The Unhinged Oracle is here to remind you that, yes, you absolutely do deserve that lil treat. Life in this capitalistic hellscape is exhausting enough without depriving yourself of joy. All that grinding, hustling in a system designed to keep you crawling can leave your tank emptier than my car on a Friday night.

So screw the guilt. Get the overpriced coffee, buy the shiny thing that makes your heart sing, or eat the damn cake because it’s Tuesday, and that’s reason enough. It’s someone’s birthday somewhere, after all.

You are not here to be a productivity machine, babe. You’re here to live, to laugh, and to savour the small joys that make the grind bearable. A lil treat won’t fix the system, but it will remind you that you’re worthy of softness, indulgence, and care.

Guidance

1. Stop second-guessing your desires. Treat yourself because you can.
2. Let go of guilt. A coffee, a cake, or a pair of cunty new shoes isn’t going to derail your life.
3. Celebrate small joys. Tell capitalism to stick it where the sun doesn’t shine.

Affirmation

Save me, Oracle! For I have neglected the sacred ritual of self-indulgence. I vow to let myself eat cake, relish in shiny objects and to give myself over to frivolity. May my heart be full, my cup overflow with delightful libations, and my bank account remain blissfully ignorant of today’s AfterPay indulgences. Ah, mean.

Action Step

Dream up a lil treat you will give yourself today for absolutely no god damn reason and give it to yourself without hesitation. Whether it’s dessert, a bubble bath, or splurging on a ridiculous hat you’ll only wear once, let it remind you that you are worthy of enjoyment and pleasure.

What TF Does That Mean??

Sweet, grumpy angel, let’s cut to the chase. Throwing tantrums over your bag getting caught in the door is peak toddler behaviour. And you know what else toddlers need? Naps. This is your cosmic permission slip to stop, rest, and reset.

Life is exhausting, and if you’re a Capricorn, Type A overachiever, or anxiously attached “must-make-daddy-proud” type, here’s some humbling news: you’re not that important.

Close your strained eyeballs and let the world spin without you for a bit. The dishes will wait, the laundry isn’t going anywhere, and shockingly, someone else might even step up to help you. Let them.

Forget the biohacking bros who talk about “optimising REM cycles.” The Unhinged Oracle is prescribing your grumpy ass a full on, drool-on-the-pillow nap with no guilt, no shame, and no timer. You’ll wake up refreshed and ready to deal with life like the legend you are.

Guidance

1. Find a quiet spot, close your eyes, and surrender to the nap gods.
2. Add a little luxury. Lavender oil on your pillow works wonders (just don’t get sucked into an MLM cult while buying it).
3. Let go of the guilt. Naps are productivity for your soul.

Affirmation

Bless this tired old meat suit, Oracle, for I am weary and worn to the bone. I embrace the sacred nap as a holy act of restoration, knowing that rest fuels my future chaos and fun. Ah.mean.

Action Step

Treat yourself to a nap today. Full stop. Put that phone on do not disturb and surrender to rest without guilt and watch how much better the world looks when you wake up.

Wtf does that bring

Born in the stickiest, stinkiest corners of Aussie pubs, “It is what it is” is the ultimate cure for all your dramas. Forget meditating on some hillside in India or blowing your cash on some bougie self-discovery retreat. The real wisdom? It’s sitting next to Jerry Two Hats at ya local, cracking a VB, pouring your heart out, and copping the fail safe Aussie reply:

“Well, mate, yeah nah… it is what it is.”

Guidance

1. Roll With the Punches: When life’s being a bastard and you’re caught between a rock and a hard place, don’t fight it. Chuck a froffy in your hand, sit back, and repeat the sacred words: “It is what it is.”
2. Learn From Legends: True wisdom doesn’t come from gurus or overpriced self-help books. It comes from the bloke at the pub who’s seen it all and knows the only way through life is to crack a cold one, laugh, shrug, and move on.
3. Take the Piss Out of your Problems: *Studies show that saying “it is what it is” cures the sads faster than surfer Jeremy after he’s done his thing on top of you for two minutes and asks “Did ya loiiike that?” If you can’t fix it, laugh at it.

Affirmation

Struth, O Holy Oracle, I find myself up shit creek without a paddle, the crocs snapping at me tinny and no hope in sight. Bless me now with the divine presence of Jerry Two Hats, whose wisdom surpasseth all understanding. May I accept the sacred mystery of why he wears two hats, never to be revealed yet deeply profound. Grant me the strength to embrace his holy words, to take them into my soul like the frothiest of VBs. Therefore, my heart shall greatly rejoice, and with my VB, I shall praise him. Let the troubles of the day fall away like mozzies in a cloud of Aerogard, for I say unto thee, ‘It is what it is,’ and thus shall my soul find rest. Amen.”

Action Step

Next time life deals you a dud hand, don’t overthink it. Crack open a cold one, have a yarn with someone who gets it, and let go. Say the magic words: “It is what it is,” and get back to living like the legend you are.

*No studies were actually conducted. We made it up (don't tell Barry from legal)

What TF Does That Mean??

Listen up, Hot Mess Express. My family? We’re no-nonsense, straight shooters, and it’s time to pass along some wisdom from my uncle Nigel: “It’s not cute, and it’s not clever.”

Consider this your wake-up call for those habits that were borderline adorable in your twenties and, at best, forgivable. But if you’re well into your thirties, still waking up hungover in the passenger seat of some scrub’s troopy with 400 missed calls and a mountain of regret?

Not cute, not clever.

Still kicking that coke can of excuses down the alley of “I had a rough childhood, and my dad never said he was proud,” while becoming, let’s face it, a bit of a dick yourself?

Not cute, not clever.

You deserve better, and deep down, you know it. It is time to wise up, rise up, and start creating a life you’re genuinely proud to claim as your own. Let today be the day you stop making excuses and start making moves.

Guidance

1. Self-Reflection: Take a hard look at your current habits. Are they serving you, or are they relics of a past you have well and truly outgrown?
2. Own It: It’s time to own up to your actions. Blaming your past might explain where you’ve been, but it won’t get you where you want to go. At some point, you have to grab the wheel and steer. You can’t control what happened to you, but you can control how you respond to life doing its thing. And let’s be real, babe. None of us get out of this life unscathed. Trauma isn’t a VIP pass, so stop walking around like you’re special because you’re carrying it. We all are. The difference between iconic and a wet flannel is how you choose to deal with it.
3. Positive Change: Start making choices that align with the person you aspire to be, not the stories you tell yourself when you are hurting.

Affirmation

Bless me, for I am a reformed hot mess. I humbly repent for my poor habits and vow to walk the righteous path of a life that won’t end up on a true crime podcast. May the saints of stability and common sense guide me, now and forever. Ah.mean.

Action Step

Identify one habit that no longer serves you and commit to changing it. Seek support if needed, and remember: your future self will thank you for the steps you take today.

What TF Does That Mean??

Darling, leaving someone on “read” is cute, but leaving them on “unseen”? Now that’s a true power move. Preserve your energy, your time, and your unmatched aura by simply not engaging. They don’t need or deserve access to your attention and honestly, keeping them guessing is half the fun. Let them wonder, let them wait. Because you’re too busy being iconic and having fun.

Guidance

1. Don’t Open It: If it’s not urgent or paying your bills, let it sit. Mystery looks good on you.
2. Gate-keep Your Energy: Not everyone deserves a reply. Be choosy, unapologetically.
3. Keep Them Squirming: Nothing pisses off a narcissist more then no reaction. Your silence says more than a paragraph ever could.

Affirmation

“I am unavailable, uninterested, and utterly thriving whilst they spiral.”

Action Step

Next time a message comes in that doesn’t deserve your attention, turn off notifications, toss your phone aside, and bask in the satisfaction of holding the ultimate upper hand. They’ll deal. Or they won’t. Hopefully they don't. Tee hee.

Maybe it’s their childhood trauma… maybe they’re just a cunt

What TF does that Mean?

This card invites you to ponder the eternal mystery: are they a product of their childhood trauma, or are they simply a raging, unrepentant cunt? The line is thin, and the answer you have been searching for is here, thanks to the all wise and powerful Unhinged Oracle.

Most people are cunts.

Truth is, we all have trauma and we have all decided very young how we will survive in this world. Some of us have refused to let all the pain and bullshit Cuntify us, and some have decided that it is best to become the bully that hurt them in order to make it.

Your job is to decided which ones you will surround yourself with and offer your previous energy.

Some people deserve compassion and an opportunity to grow into less of a cunt.

Most people deserve a restraining order and zero of your time.

Guidance

1. Are you the Drama?: Are their actions just another plea for admission to your “I can fix them” program? Hate to break it to you, but adopting broke and ugly projects with abandonment issues is a form of manipulation. Either love them as they are or move on. By stepping back, you actually give people the space to do the work themselves —instead of coasting on the benefits of your emotional labor.
2. Don’t Play Therapist: You’re not here to save anyone. It’s high time you realise cunts spot your “Ms. Bleeding Heart, I’m an Empath” energy from a mile away. Trust me, I am an ancient being and I am always right. They rub their slimy little hands together in delight when they see you waving your giant flag that screams “Hurt me, baby!” Stop it. Seriously. Acknowledge that we all have trauma, but let’s be clear: trauma doesn’t excuse being a shit person.
3. Protect Your Peace: No matter the backstory, you don’t owe anyone your precious energy. Boundaries aren’t just cute buzzwords you slur with the girlies over a Sunday sesh. You actually have to communicate them. And—brace yourself you need to enforce them. Shocking, I know.
4. Count Behaviour, not Intentions: Listen up, my gorgeous slutty watermelon: you’ll never truly know someone’s intentions, so quit twisting yourself into knots trying to see the good in someone who’s clearly just a cunt. Behaviour is all that matters.Mature, kind, non cunt people mess up, sure, but when they realise they’ve hurt someone they care about, they change. A cunt? They’ll fake good behaviour for five minutes, then snap back to their usual antics. Eventually, they’ll double down, surround themselves with enablers, and maybe even move to Thailand where they can throw cash at the ego stroking of strangers. Sound familiar? Thought so. Cut them off and call your therapist. They miss you.

Affirmation

I humbly offer my saintly understanding to the inner wounds of all who live and breathe, all while beseeching the heavens for the divine restraint not to hurl these unholy cunts into oncoming traffic. Ah.mean.

Action Step

Make a list of behaviours you’re willing and not willing to tolerate in others close to you and hang it somewhere visible. The next time someone crosses the line, refer back to it and remind yourself: empathy has limits, and yours comes with a loud mouth, Aussie barbie bogan bouncer with an ass that never quits. (Me)

What TF Does That Mean?

Blaming Mercury retrograde for every missed text, bad mood, or regrettable choice? Babe, no. The stars aren’t responsible for you dating Chad with the personality of a wet paper towel or re-downloading Tinder for the third time this month. The chaos in your life isn’t celestial—it’s you. This card is your wake-up call: you are the architect of your own mess, and it’s time to grab a mop.

Guidance

1. Take Accountability: Stop pointing fingers at Mercury and start pointing them at the person in the mirror. Reflection is free and surprisingly effective.
2. Fix the Basics: Double-check your plans, your calendar, and maybe even your taste in partners. Mercury doesn’t need to go direct for you to start making better choices.
3. Make It Right: Screwed something up? Own it. Apologize. Fix it. Retrograde or not, your relationships, goals, and dreams need attention—and that’s on you.

Affirmation

O devious Mercury, lord of retrograde, petty inconveniences, and Y2K scares, I come grovelling at thy celestial feet. Forgive me, for I have blamed thee for mine own questionable life choices. It is mine own thumbs that texted my ex, mine own procrastination that botched deadlines, and mine own unresolved traumas that led me to entertain men who think NFTs are a personality trait. Lo, the fault is mine, not thine, and I beg of you to graciously extend a cosmic pardon.

I see now that thou art not the villain, but merely the mirror reflecting my chaos back at me. Grant me the wisdom to own my mess and the courage to stop scapegoating thee for every missed call, snoozed alarm and terrible decision when horny. Thy retrograde is innocent; it is I who must repent. Ah.mean.

Action Step

The next time you’re tempted to blame Mercury in Powerade, stop and ask yourself: What am I contributing to my own misery today? Then fix what you can, laugh at what you can’t, blame the rest on your star sign and move forward into your divine destiny baby!

Wtf Does that Mean?

Let’s get one thing straight: your fucks are not a charity. Stop handing them out like samples at Costco to people and problems that couldn’t care less about you. Save your fucks for things that spark joy, pay your bills, or come with reciprocity. Everything else? Not your problem.

Guidance

1. Fuck Budget: Review where your fucks are going. If it’s to Karen’s drama or Todd’s feelings, it’s time to make some cuts.
2. Boundaries Are Hot: Saying “no” with zero explanation isn’t rude, it’s efficient and iconic behaviour that we need more of.
The Golden Rule of Fucks: If they wouldn’t save you in a zombie apocalypse, they don’t deserve a single one.

Affirmation

O most merciful and wise Oracle, keeper of all Fucks in the universe,

I do humbly and solemnly revoke mine precious fucks from all irrelevant trifles and foolish nonsense.

With thine guidance, I do hereby consecrate and redistribute them unto that which truly mattereth:

Me, myself, and my most beloved feline companion.

Grant me strength to uphold this holy decree, now and forevermore.

Ah.mean.

Action Step

Write down three things you’re giving way too many fucks about. Now cross them off, throw the list dramatically in the bin, (with friends for extra rizz and accountability) and get back to minding your own fabulous business and plotting world domination.

Wtf does that mean?

Anger is often painted as something dark, destructive, and “bad.” It’s commonly accepted amongst therapists in the modern day that there is no such thing as a bad or good emotion. This langue isn’t helpful. Instead it is best to frame emotions as ‘pleasant’ and ‘uncomfortable’ We are conditioned to demonise anger, to get rid of it as soon as possible, to shame or gas light ourselves out of which we know that is as effective as a hole in the head. Here’s the truth they don't want you know and thank goodness you have the Oracle to let you, I honestly don't know what you’d would do without me babe. I'll let you in on a secret: Your Anger is sacred. It’s not a burden to suppress but a fire to fuel. That burning rage inside you? It’s the universe screaming, “Something needs to change!” Channel it, shape it, and use it to light the path forward.

Guidance

1. Feel It in your heart: Don’t dismiss or stuff down your anger with numbing or escapism. Most substance abuse or addiction is our maladaptive way of trying to not feel something. It is healthiest to Let it burn. Acknowledge what’s pissing you off and give yourself permission to feel the full heat of it. Naming your feelings without judgement allows it to move through you and out of your into a new perspective.
2. Channel the Fire: Take that sacred hate fire and use it. Set boundaries, write the letter and set it on fire, make a change that will help you experience more enjoyable emotions. Anger becomes sacred when it alchemised. Pain into power. Suffering into joy et etcetera. Anger can be the key to your growth, not your destruction.
3. Transform It: Sacred anger isn’t about staying mad or punching whoever wronged you; it’s about finding power in the fire. Let it burn away the old and clear space for the new. Feel it in order to heal it and build something better for yourself because baby, you deserve it and your anger is helping you by making you uncomfortable enough to make a change.

Affirmation

Yea, I scream into the void and hearken unto thy voice, O fierce and sultry Oracle, as captivating as the shimmer of laser beams at a full moon party in Thailand.

Thy words are a balm to mine rageful soul:

‘Be angry and sin a little, just enough to ensure the world knoweth thou art not to be trifled with.’ Let not mercury go into microwave on the eve of my wrath, but instead may it ignite my holy to-do list. Verily, my sacred anger is my sword, and I shall swing it boldly at the crotches of men, that they may tremble in their little booties and cry out in awe. Ahmean.

Action Step

The next time you feel the hate fire rise, don’t snuff it out, intellectualise it or chug down the closest bottle of coping mechanism. Write it down, speak it aloud to a friend or yell it in the shower, or use it to drive action. Anger is a tool, anger is a friend you’d benefit from becoming familiar with. Wield it wisely and let it lead you to the change and empowerment you need.

What TF Does That Mean??

Listen here, Peter Pan. If you’re still out here sending 3-second selfies with dog ears or your “current mood” to your streaks, it’s time for a reality check. Snapchat is for teenagers and drug dealers. If you’re neither of these, it’s time to leave the disappearing messages to those doing crimes and the kids who still think YOLO is a lifestyle.

This card is the universe’s loving but firm reminder to grow the fuck up. It’s time to step into the land of actual conversations, full sentence texts, and photos that don’t rely on a rainbow vomit filter to be remotely interesting. You’re not 15 anymore, babes. I know. Yep. Cry it all out. *there there.

Guidance

1. Delete Snapchat if you are not a teenager or a drug dealer.
2. If your current squeeze is still using Snapchat as their main form of communication, please refer to the ‘DUMP THEM’ card.
3. Leave the streaks to the kids and the crims—it’s time to act your age darling.

Affirmation

“Bless me, for I have sinned in the name of Snapchat streaks. I release my unholy attachment to vanishing selfies and meaningless snaps. I renounce filters, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am a functioning adult, not a slave to dog ears or rainbow vomit. My face, in all its natural glory, is enough. May I walk in the light of meaningful conversations and leave the streaks to the children and the sinners. Ah.mean.”

Action Step

Delete the app. Right now. Replace it with literally anything else. WhatsApp, a crossword puzzle app, maybe even a *gasp A BOOK?. Congratulations, you’re officially an adult.

What TF Does That Mean?

Today is your day to fully lean into the why me energy. The universe is conspiring against you. God hates you. The devil testing you. You are cursed and so are your ancestors. Go ahead, take everything personally. That weird look someone gave you at the café? A direct attack. The bus leaving thirty seconds early? A deliberate insult. That random email from your boss? A hate crime. Blame everyone and bask in the drama.

Guidance

1. Spiral: Today only, you have full permission to take the low road. Treat every inconvenience and slight like a calculated attack against your very soul. Milk it for all it’s worth. Feel sorry for yourself. Gaze pensively out the window, clutching a mug while wrapped in a cardigan, channeling your inner Nicole Kidman in literally any of her last 25 films. Honestly, why hasn’t she launched a cardigan line called “Nicole Knitman” yet? Talk about a missed business opportunity.
2. Blame Everyone Else: Channel that main character energy and convince yourself the world is plotting against you. Why you? Because you are special, babe. The centre of it all.
3. Snap Back to Reality: Tomorrow, remember you’re not important enough for the universe to care. You’re just another cog in the machine, and yes, one day you will die. But hey, that’s tomorrow’s problem.

Affirmation

The universe is my enemy; I shall have zero chill.

It leadeth me into inconveniences and sitteth me down among mine enemies.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of petty grievances, I shall shake my fist bitterly at all evil.

For my drama sustaineth me.

It prepareth chaos before me in the presence of mine annoyances;

It filleth my cup with bitterness, and it runneth over.

Surely misfortune and inconvenience shall follow me all the days of today,

And I shall dwell in the house of petty energy for 12-24 hours.

Ah.mean.

Action Step

Spend today letting yourself stew in the petty and the personal. Sigh dramatically, glare at strangers, and feel wronged by the universe. Tomorrow, shake it off, move on, and remember, nobody thinks about you as much as you do.

What TF Does That Mean??

Alright, humble Harriet, it’s time to hang up the “I’m just a potato with feelings” routine. You’re not a potato. You’re the main event. (Potatoes are great, but they’re not you.) Being humble is cute until it turns into apologising for existing every five seconds. Tall poppy syndrome? Major boomer-level insecurity. We’re leaving that outdated mindset back in its natural habitat, a Facebook group called “Back in My Day.”

It’s time to celebrate yourself, take up space, and own your brilliance. Compliments? Stop dodging them like they’re spam emails. Accept them. Absorb them. And maybe even throw in a little extra self-love whilst you’re at it.

Guidance

Level 1 Unhinged: (Beginner Mode - Polite but Still Spiralling)

• Person: “Hey Nicole, I like your cardigan. That’s a lovely colour on you!”
• You: “Thanks so much!” (Suddenly panics and adds) “You have such great taste!! Is that a new haircut??”

Level 2 Unhinged: (Advanced Mode - Confident Queen)

• Person: “Hey Nicole, I love that cardigan on you! That colour really suits you!”
• You: “Omg THANK YOU! Yeah, this colour makes my tatas look fucking incredible, don’t you reckon?”

Level 3 Unhinged: (Boss Mode - Certified Icon)

• Person: “Hey Nicole, I love that cardigan on you! That colour looks so nice!”
• You: “I know, Daniel. That’s why I bought it peasant.”

Your Mission

Pick one thing you love about yourself. Your style, your humour, or your uncanny ability to parallel park. Accept compliments like they’re your birthright. No awkward deflections. No “oh, this old thing?” The Oracle is watching you.

Affirmation

Oh Holy and extremely sexy Oracle, I have sinned by hiding my brilliance under a bushel. Grant me the courage to embrace my magnificence, the wisdom to accept compliments as gospel, and the strength to toot my horn so loud it drowns out the haters. Ahmean.

Action Step

Time to get that puss out there and practice. Take compliments with grace, sprinkle in some confidence, and toot that horn like you’re headlining a sold-out arena tour. Because guess what? You are. This is your one life. Own who your turned up as babe.

What TF Does That Mean??

This card is your universal goddess of tough love grabbing you gently yet firmly by the shoulders, staring straight into your soul, and saying, “Get it together, babe.” Your life might feel like an 18-year-old’s floor-drobe right now, overflowing with mismatched priorities, emotional baggage, and a to-do list that looks like the notes app of someone on a manic upswing.

Here’s your truth, served straight up with no chaser: you don’t have to fix it all at once. But you do have to start with something. Start with one thing. Is it your relationships? Your boundaries? That pile of laundry glaring at you from some dark corner of your room? Focus, breathe, and tackle it step by step.

Decluttering your life isn’t about achieving perfection; it’s about creating space for what truly matters. Remember, progress is progress, no matter how small of a step you take. Once you begin to unfuck your clusters, one cluster at a time, you’ll realise how freeing it is to finally have mental energy for the things you actually want to do.

Guidance

1. Identify the cluster causing the most stress or chaos. Start there.
2. Tackle one small piece at a time. You
don’t have to snowball it, especially if, like me, you’ve never even seen snow.
3. Celebrate every little win. Progress, no
matter how messy, is still progress.

Affirmation

Bless me, Oracle, for I have let my clusters multiply. Grant me the strength to untangle my messes, one at a time, with grace, patience, and perhaps a little wine. May my efforts bring me clarity, peace, and the time to to show up wholeheartedly for the things that truly matter to me. Ah.mean.

Action Step

Pick one cluster today. Big or small and commit to a start. Throw out the emotional baggage, organise your priorities, or delete those 47 tabs you have open. Your future self will thank you, and honestly, so will your burnt our guardian angels.

What TF Does That Mean??

Sweet potato pie, the universe has officially handed you a permission slip to hit refresh on your personality. Stuck in a dull main character arc? Babe, it’s time for a rebrand. Think of this card as your cosmic makeover. Ditch that tired narrative and start serving something fresh. Consistency is overrated, especially when most people don’t even deserve backstage passes to your life.

Celebrities do this all the time. Miley Cyrus went from Hannah Montana to swinging nude on a wrecking ball. Lady Gaga has transformed more times than she’s fire record labels, proving you can serve avant-garde and heartfelt authenticity in one lifetime. And Madonna? She’s practically the CEO of reinvention.

Guidance

1. Start Fresh: Get clear on what you want. Then channel your inner Charli XCX and make yourself your next big project.
2. Drop the Dead Weight: If there’s a behaviour or habit that’s dragging you down, let it go. Are you always saying yes to things you don’t want to do? Channel some hard Iggy Azaelia energy and start flexing that “Fuck That” muscle.
3. Ditch the Flake: Always late and no one’s finding it cute anymore? Learn to use a calendar. There’s probably a YouTube tutorial, and your friends might even help keep you accountable.
4. Embrace the Rebrand: Your next personality can be whatever you damn well please. IDGAF energy? Biodegradable glitter? Make it happen.

Affirmation

“Bless me, Oracle, for I am a divine work in progress, a shape-shifting masterpiece crafted in chaotic perfection. I unapologetically upload the next iconic version of myself whenever the spirit moves me, for reinvention is holy, and consistency is overrated. May my transformations be dazzling, my audacity eternal, and my critics forever left in awe. Ah.mean.

Action Step

Identify one trait, habit, or vibe you want to give a makeover to. Start small. say no to something you don’t want to do, show up on time, or wear that coloured eyeliner or dress that’s been collecting dust in your cupboard. Whatever it is, own it, live it, and remind the world you’re a masterpiece in progress.

What TF Does That Mean??

Get on it, you messy little sriracha swirl. It’s time to fully own the fact that, yes, you ARE the drama. But here’s the thing, being the drama isn’t a bad thing. It means you’re the heat, the moment, the brightest star in the galaxy. Sure, some people might be a little jelly about it, but that’s their inability to show up unapologetically as themselves.

The universe isn’t calling you out; it’s calling you up. Being the drama means you’re unapologetically living out loud, stirring the pot when it needs stirring, and refusing to blend into the background. Just remember, there’s a difference between being the drama and being a disaster. Think Zendaya shutting down the red carpet, not Kanye crashing the VMAs.

Guidance

1. Own Your Spotlight: Being the drama means you have the power to command attention, so lean into it. Let your boldness remind everyone who’s boss.
2. Creative, Not Destructive: Use your drama for good. Shake things up, empower someone who is shy or introverted, inspire change, and remind people you’re here to slay, not stay silent.
3. Sprinkle in Self-Awareness: Share the stage sometimes, darling. Let others shine. It doesn’t put your candle out by simply lighting another one.

Affirmation

Bless me, Oracle, the keeper and giver of the drama, the fire, and the unapologetic star of this show called life. My energy doesn’t just inspire, it disrupts, shakes, and reminds the world it’s lucky to bask in my presence. I vow to empower others to own their chaos, step into their spotlight, and serve their own drama with flair. Together, we’ll turn this dull little society into our stage and leave mediocrity trembling in our wake. Ah.mean.

Action Step

Find one way to channel your drama creatively this week. Dress like a red-carpet icon to grab groceries, deliver a bold opinion with no explanations at the next meeting, or make out with someone at a party briefly then hand them your business card before a making an Irish exit. Be the drama, but make it art. You might just inspire someone to step up their game, leave someone quivering and obsessed or at least question everything they thought they knew about you.

What TF Does That Mean?

Sometimes you need to drop the niceties and remind people you are not their punching bag. A cancer would this being in their “villian era”..yeah..ok whatever. However you want to fram it, this card is your permission slip to be mean for a second. Sharp, clean, and deliciously unapologetic.

Guidance

1. Permission Granted: Someone overstepping? Cut them down to size with one perfectly timed quip. You are not being rude, you are setting the tone.

Pressed for quips? Don’t worry, the Oracle is well versed and generous. Asking a question instead of defending yourself is a power move that turns it back on the person:

• When someone questions your decisions:

“What is it that tells you that your thoughts carry weight in this situation?”

• When someone oversteps your boundaries:

“Are you under the impression that my boundaries are up for discussion?”

• When someone tries to diminish your accomplishments:

“Does my success make you uncomfortable?”

2. Make It Count: Be mean with precision, not messiness. One sharp remark or open ended question is all it takes to remind them that you are in your power and you are not to messed with to make them feel better about themselves.
3. Move On: Drop the mic and strut out of the room. Do not linger in to take care of their hurt feelings. You said what needed to be said and you have released them into their growth.

Affirmation

O holy and most gloriously endowed Oracle, I beseech thee, grant me the strength to cast off the shackles of mine doormat, people pleasing ways. I calleth forth thine sacred wrath for but a fleeting moment, and lo, it smiteth mine foes as a mighty slap. My boundaries standeth fortified, fools are humbled, egos deflateth, and manhoods wither in trembling awe. I taketh my leave, triumphant and unbothered.

Ahhhh.mean

Action Step

Next time someone tries it (I feel sorry for them..sort of) drop the perfectly crafted clapback, feel the satisfaction of their stunned silence or even their genuine reply, and carry on being the legend you are. Be the star of the day and drop the receipts in the group chat!

What TF Does That Mean??

Let’s get real, you little scallywag. Your partner, your dog, your barista, or that one friend who “totally gets you” are not—I repeat, NOT—your therapist.

Your partner didn’t sign up to unravel your childhood trauma every time you argue about dishes. Your bestie didn’t accept an intake form to play Dr. Freud every time you spiral over your ex. Your dog? Sure, they’re cute, but their soulful eyes can’t process your attachment issues (though they’re long overdue for a well-earned sabbatical). And your barista? They’re here to caffeinate you, not coach you through your existential crisis while deciphering your teary mumbles and misspelling your name on the cup.

This card is here to remind you to stop outsourcing emotional labour to the people (or pets) in your life who didn’t go to university for this. Venting is fine, but boundaries are better. Your loved ones are meant to enjoy life with you and create juicy memories—not serve as unpaid therapists. Book the session, pour your soul out to someone with a clipboard and a license, and let your loved ones go back to being what they’re meant to be: your support system, not your saviours.

Guidance

1. Venting is healthy, but know when to stop and book a therapy session.
2. Respect your loved ones’ boundaries and let them be your companions, not your counsellors.
3. Build juicy memories, not emotional debt.

Affirmation

Forgive me oh powerful and all seeing Oracle, for I have sinned by turned my inner circle into unpaid therapists. May I find peace in professional help, strength in setting healthy boundaries, and comfort in the joy of letting my loved ones simply love me. Ah.mean.

Action Step

Book a therapy session. Go regularly. If you live in Australia, you can get up to 10 funded psychology sessions through your G.P, amazeballs! Go back to arguing with your partner about normal things like if they would still love you if you were a worm. Allow your dog the freedom to just be cute, shit on your bath mat and nap. And the barista? Let them get back to their true calling: making you coffee and misspelling your name. Everyone wins!

What TF does that Mean?

You hear it, don’t you? The low, guttural growl of inevitability. The Rammys are coming, dragging the weight of your past poor decisions behind them like chains in a cursed graveyard. They don’t care if you’re sorry. They don’t care if you’re tired. The Rammys lie in wait, play the long game…and they always collect. Each consequence is a debt you’ve long ignored, and now?

Payment is due.

Guidance

1. Don’t Run: The Rammys are faster. Face them, own your mistakes, and pray to sky daddy they’re feeling merciful.
2. Stop Digging: If you’re in a hole, drop the shovel before you strike a sewer and make things worse.
3. Learn, or Else: The Rammys don’t forget repeat offenders. Evolve, or expect them to become your permanent roommates.

Affirmation

I welcome the Rammys into my life like an uninvited relative at Christmas dinner. Begrudgingly, I welcome them in. They’re here now, and I’ll greet them with grace, fear, and embrace them gingerly and make an excuse to hide in the toilet.

Action Step

Sit in a dark room and light one match. Stare into the flame and whisper, “I messed up.” Repeat for every questionable decision until you run out of matches, and maybe don’t order takeout tonight…..The Rammys are likely already outside waiting.

What TF does that Mean?

Inspired by TikTok creator @mad_mitch’s empowering mantra, “How hard can it be? Boys do it,” this card is your permission slip to stop seeking approval. If boys can dive into challenges with unearned confidence, what’s stopping you from doing the same, only better?

Guidance

1. Ditch the Doubt: If Chad wouldn’t hesitate, why should you? Chad applies for jobs he isn’t qualified for, speaks confidently about things he knows nothing about, and somehow walks away praised. Take notes.
2. Be Delulu: Everything is made up. Boys wear jean shorts on purpose, run multibillion dollar companies based on imaginary numbers, and become CEOs without knowing the way to their own office. Their secret? Delusion. Stop letting your hyper awareness of your flaws hold you back. You can achieve anything—even if it’s rocking track pants and thongs four sizes too big like a fashion mogul.
3. Imbibe the Audacity: I received the sacred gift of audacity four months ago (yes, on an acid trip). Barry from legal says I can’t condone substance use, so let’s keep this “official.” The point: lose the fear, embrace the boldness of a white cishet man, and you’ll start winning at life.

Affirmation

I dost summon forth mine inner audacity, steadfast in the holy truth that if mere boys may stumble forth in mediocrity, then I, with divine brilliance, shall ascend in glory to excellence and broken glass ceilings. Ah. Fuckmen.

Action Step

Remember that confidence trumps competence every time. So, next time your faced wth something that scares you, ask yourself “WWCD” (what would chad do) and then half ass your way to world domination! Slay boss queen girly pop yasss *Sarcasm.

Bonus (Because Mummy loves you)

 Chad’s Chat GPT prompts:

• Improve this email to sound like a male CEO wrote it. (Alive ones, lol….too soon?)
• Give me 10 morning affirmations of an alpha male (This one is an absolute side splitter)
• How do I mansplain excel spreadsheets?(Insert any topic here)

What TF Does That Mean?

Welcome to the gospel according to our much beloved and revered, Elle Woods. Elle Woods didn’t just get a law degree, she served us a masterclass in turning heartbreak into triumph. This isn’t about Botox, crash diets, or trying to make that man-child regret his mistakes. No, babe, it’s about the glow-up you owe to yourself.

Guidance

1. Invest in You: Remember that thing you always say you’d study when you’re trying to sound smart at parties? Apply for it. Take that short course, pick up a paintbrush, or hit the gym and build those gainz. Start the business, launch the side hustle. Literally anything but wasting tears over a guy whose mum still folds his socks.
2. Check Your Intentions: It’s okay if it starts as revenge. Elle taught us that even a petty “get him back” plot can turn into a life changing journey. The point is to seize your life for you, not to prove anything to someone who a total bonehead.
3 Rewrite the Script: Forget Disney’s nonsense about needing Prince Charming to find joy. The real magic is living on your own terms, surrounded by people who lift you up, celebrate you for who you are and smashing life one epic side quest at a time.
4. Take Back Your Power: Channel your inner Jennifer Coolidge, gather your besties, and march right up to whatever (or whoever) is holding you back. Say it loud and proud: “I’m taking the Dawwwg, dumbASSSS!”

Affirmation

My Gemini vegetarian heart is wearied by the burden of mediocre men, yet I proclaim boldly, ‘What? Like it’s hard?’ For I am she who bendeth and snapeth with purpose. I shall not be led astray by naysayers nor swayed by fools, for mine worth is greater than a 4-carat Harry Winston pink diamond. And though some may claim that orange is the new pink, I rebuke such heresy, for pink and sisterhood remaineth eternal. Ah.mean.

Action Step

Stop creeping on his feed babe. Open that tab and apply for the course, join the gym, or sign up for the art class. Take one step today toward the life that fulfills you. Remember, “You must always have faith in people. And most importantly, you must always have faith in yourself.”